COLUMN: Pyjamas serve no real purpose besides restricting movement in bed

Pyjamas, PJ’s, jammies, sleepwear. Honestly, I’ve never understood the point of ‘em. As far as I can see, they’re completely unnecessary.

Evidently, they originated in India, one of the hottest places on the planet, which is weird, considering. After all, in the scorching heat of summer, all you want to do is strip down to the bare necessities and lie spreadeagled on the bed ’til either the AC kicks in or you sweat enough for evaporation to cool you down. And in winter, it’s easier and much more comfortable to toss another blanket on the pile or pull up the nearest dog so you can be toasty once more.

Summer-weight ones do nothing to keep you warm, nor should they, while winter-weight flannel ones stick to the sheets and restrict your movements in bed. Without ‘em, it’s so much easier to cuddle up to your cutie or thrash about fighting off imaginary dream demons without ending up strangled by your own bedding.

And another thing. They’re not socially acceptable fashion items. You can’t wear PJs in public, (though Zoom has made the lower half of a pair absolutely de rigeur below the level of the webcam).

They’re supremely unflattering to any figure, and don’t get me started on the recent fashion of family portraits in which everyone is wearing pyjamas in the same style and colour, including the family dog! Talk about kitsch! It’s downright nauseating! I ask you — why are these people not embarrassed? But no, on the contrary, they seem to be driven to flaunt their supreme lack of good taste all over the internet.

Nope, in my opinion, pyjamas serve no useful purpose but to make clothing manufacturers richer. Oh, and to cover up bodies better left unviewed. By anyone. Ever.

But wait. On the other hand, we’re told that negligées, a specialized type of pyjama, are sexy, kind of like a fancy gift-wrap for women, designed for the titillation of oversexed gentlemen with hyperactive imaginations. But really, you can see right through the material that most of ‘em are made from, and if you’re having a hot, steamy affair, you’re only going to take ‘em off anyway, so why bother in the first place? Waste of time and money, to my mind.

Oh, I suppose jammies do serve another purpose, one shared by all garments in the interests of prudery, that of disguise and camouflage. All those saccharine photographs of kids opening Christmas gifts wouldn’t be half so appealing with their naughty bits on display, getting caught up in all the fancy ribbons and bows. And can you just imagine the damage a new puppy could cause? Those baby teeth are sharp!

Pyjamas are often associated with lounging or relaxation. It takes a bit of effort to look good, after all, and the recent fashion of wearing PJ-like lounging pants only proves the claim that our entire civilization is degenerating, sliding rapidly down the slippery slope into decay and apathy.

However, I guess pyjamas do have a place in the world, at least for those concerned with fashion and political correctness.

As for me, I shall continue to eschew them to the best of my ability for as long as I may do so, puppies notwithstanding.

So endeth the lesson.