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COVIDeo calling: Blame the Jetsons!

Video chats: In this week's Everything King, Wendy bemoans this technology
Zoom screenshot

COVIDeo calling!

I knew the time would come and I am not happy about it.

When other little children were delighted by the sight of the video phone dropping out of the ceiling as portrayed in The Jetsons cartoons, I was skeptical.

When Jane clicked on the TV-like phone and spoke to George and they could both see each other — I knew nothing good could come from that.

Here we are now in 2020. In a pandemic. And people want to video chat. I call it COVIDeo!

Oh, I know, you are all celebrating the genius of technology in connecting the world in these dark times.

We can’t physically be in contact, but with Skype and FaceTime and Zoom and whatever else, we can literally be in each other’s homes.

And therein lies the problem.

Believe what you want, but I think it’s a vast conspiracy for people to pop up in my computer uninvited and unexpected.

It’s the modern version of unexpected company (which should be outlawed).

I even got an invitation to do a video chat with girlfriends from elementary school.

Funny, it should come a month into this isolation when my hair has morphed into a '70s shag. My chic shade of natural 'Eygptian Plum' has reverted to an unnatural mousey brown.

My shellac fingernails are brittle naked nubs. 

My top has cookie crumbs on it. 

Pants? There are no pants. 

It is like a bad school reunion and one for which I had no time to go for liposuction or to avoid.

I can hear them now:

“It doesn’t matter how you look. We just want to see your beautiful smile.”

“Ha!” I will respond.

Fake news. There will be judging. Not only of my horrible isolation face, but my house.

How do I know this?

It is truly not because my girlfriends are the least bit nasty. I know it because that’s what I would do.

I have enjoyed all the live feeds of the celebrities in recent days. For the music? Well, yeah, sure. 

I also wanted to see how bad they look with no makeup artists, hairdressers and dressers. I also want to check out their homes.  I have been fascinated to see the stars' living rooms, kitchens and studios.

Sorry to admit, but their pallid complexions and stringy hair give me hope.

I had a video call come in last week that gave a whole new meaning to the word panic.

I had a five-minute warning to get my hair fluffed and makeup slapped on. I didn’t find the bra, but hoped the picture was only from the chin up.

It was mortifying. Nobody looks good in that weird little postage-stamp-sized window, although it did manage to capture all of my chins. 

I was colourless. It was a bad angle. I couldn’t stand watching myself talk. 

When the cat jumped onto me and into the frame showing his butt to all, I just gave up on any illusion I was in control.

So, is this my life now?

I am expected to be showered, dressed and coiffed properly anytime of day or night in case someone needs to reach out from any time zone?

It's way too much pressure.

Sure, I don’t have to answer the call, but where would I be? I’m supposed to be home.

Knowing this is not going away any time soon, I have researched some tips for flattering video chatting.

According to Tech Chunks on Google:

1. Overhead lighting is the worst. Close your curtains to direct sunlight and use several low-intensity lamps around the room.

2. Camera placement is crucial. If it's in the wrong place, you will get four chins, chipmunk cheeks and flared nostrils. Experts say keep the camera at eye level and not too close to your face. Tilt chin down but eyes up.

3. Professional makeup. Avoid big bold patterns and prints for your clothes.

4. Check what’s behind you, because that’s what the viewer will see. Avoid clutter.

5. Limit the background sound.

Personally, this all sounds like way too much hassle.

I assume as this isolation phase goes on that my standards and yours will be lowered.

The conversation will become more important that the images we project.

Still, in the name of all that is holy, please give me a heads up that a call is coming.

Stupid Jetsons!


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About the Author: Wendy King

Wendy King writes about all kinds of things from nutrition to the job search from cats to clowns — anything and everything — from the ridiculous to the sublime. Watch for Wendy's column weekly.
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